(Maybe) I Just Want to be Happy

Last weekend, I went to Solo to attend my cousin's wedding. We used to play together a lot every time we went to our grandparent's home for the school break. I remember I used to fight a lot with her brother, we used to go to a reservoir nearby to just look at how calm the water was or... simply walking here and there, chit-chatting, playing... I recalled those memories when I saw the girl I used to play with now become someone's nyonya. Back then, happiness was that simple, we only need to play together.

When I was on the way to the airport (in Solo), I saw some families bring their children to watch the airplane from the roadside. Some of them looked excited and even took photos with their phone. I thought... happiness was that simple. Arriving at the airport and waiting for the plane, I recalled my childhood memories. My father used to take me to Gambir Train Station almost every weekend. Back then, we can go to the platform without buying train ticket, we only need to buy platform ticket which was very cheap (around 1.500 rupiah, if I'm not mistaken). My father would take me to eat at a fast food restaurant sometimes, but most of the times, he took me to see trains arriving and departing. And just it. After that we went home, but I was excited and happy. Maybe, that's why until now, I like to visit train station and even boarding the train.

As I grow older every day, happiness is complicated and sometimes it cost you to lost something else in exchange for a glimpse of it. I don't know why I feel complicated lately.Seeing things, hearing things... and trying my best not to say something about it. I end up bottled everything to myself and sometimes, I cried before I go to sleep. For months, I got sick multiple times. Some of my friends told me not to think about everything, to tell everything... to help me to release the burden. But I can't. I don't know where to start, and if I start, I am afraid I end up messing everything. Therefore, I choose to keep it to myself. Someone did ask me what I am thinking about, but I only said I have many things going around in my head. Someone did ask me to tell, but I end up telling just one or two, the smallest, because I just don't like to be a burden for another. I am not sure that particular someone can help anyway.

And this night, when I realized tomorrow I need to go back, I asked myself, "What do you want?" and a simple answer popped up, "Maybe, I just want to be happy."

back then, I was happy.