Farewell has never been easy on me.
We had no strings attached.
But I'm sad.
We had nothing but photos.
But I can't even see them.

Everything will be easy.
If we had no strings attached.
No, we had none.
But this is surely hard.

ㅂㄱㅅㅍ.

"If you were to change one thing about yourself, what would it be?"

See the title? I've got that question in ask.fm. I spent minutes to think what would I change about myself when I have a chance?

I spent minutes to wrote a stupid answer. But I spent few seconds to decide that I want to write this for my blog post.

"If you were to change one thing about yourself, what would it be?"

This question bothered me and seconds later I found what I want to change about myself. It's my past. Well, everyone has their own past. Good or bad, dark or bright, they have it. I have it too. My high school years are past. High school which everyone thought as the most beautiful time in your life didn't really happen to me. I think I have a bittersweet past. More bitter than sweet. More rain than the sunny day.

I wish I could change my past. Make it brighter, paint it colorful. Because that past sometimes bothers me in the present, floods my brain with the memories I wish I don't want to have.

I thought past has already happened in the past. But why I'm still here bothered by the presence of the past?

Orang-Orang Baik

Orang-orang baik selalu pergi lebih dahulu.
Begitu kata orang-orang, sobat.
Tadinya aku hanya menganggap angin lalu.
Sebelum semuanya terjadi di dalam kehidupanku.

Aku kehilangan Om yang sangat baik, 10 tahun lalu.
Di bulan Agustus, dini hari, kala telepon rumah kami berdering
Dan menimbulkan trauma sampai saat ini bagiku
Om kecelakaan, meninggal dunia, malam itu.

Disusul Oma, 3 tahun lalu.
Di bulan November, di malam hari, kala papa menelpon.
"Oma udah nggak ada, Ci."
Oma sakit, komplikasi, tubuhnya melemah kian hari.
Kepergian ini tidak mendadak, tetapi tetap menyedihkan.
Seorang teman beliau bercerita bagaimana beliau meminjamkan uang kepadanya, hanya menyisakan beberapa untuk ongkos bis.
(Ah, Mak, cucumu ini jadi rindu.)

Aku kehilangan seorang teman, sebulan lalu.
Bulan Desember, tanggal 22, masih kuingat.
Berita kepergiannya menyebar cepat di media sosial,
"Telah berpulang, teman kita dari angkatan 2012, kecelakaan ketika melakukan wall climbing."
Lagi-lagi orang yang baik. Ramah, supel, belum genap 20 usianya.
Walau hanya sekelas selama setahun, tapi ia tetap baik.

Sore ini...
Berita lain lagi kuterima. Mendadak. Sangat mendadak.
"Telah meninggal dunia saudara kita dari angkatan 2009, kecelakaan motor."
Seorang senior. Yang bahkan jarang kutemui.
Beliau adalah seorang laki-laki yang ramah, walau belum kenal dan jarang bertemu, ia mengajak ngobrol.
Ingat beberapa kali saat kami tertawa karena hal-hal lucu
Ingat ketika ia bercerita pengalamannya dilatih teater dulu
Ia masih muda, ia masih dalam proses meraih cita-citanya.

Dan... tidak ada yang pernah tahu kapan waktunya tiba. Kapan saat terakhir itu tiba.

Orang-orang yang kuceritakan di atas adalah orang-orang baik.
Yang telah mendahului aku, kamu, kita.
Orang-orang baik yang membuat orang lain merasakan kehilangan begitu mendalam.
Orang-orang baik yang kebaikannya patut kita teruskan.

Selamat jalan, Kak. Senang mengenal kakak, senang pernah berbagi bersama kakak, senang kakak telah menjadi bagian dari kami.

Pindah.

Gue ingin pindah. Tapi nggak bisa gue jelasin spesifiknya pindahan apa. Gue sangat jenuh di sini dengan keadaan yang seperti sekarang. Gue sendiri nggak tau kenapa bisa sejenuh ini, apa karena they are no longer make me proud to be a part of them-kah, atau karena memang gue hanya sedang terjebak dalam kejenuhan yang bercampur sama masalah personal.

Gue jenuh sampe tingkat di mana rasanya gue males bertemu dengan orang-orang tersebut. Padahal sebelumnya? Gue sangat bersemangat buat ketemu mereka. Tapi udah berapa bulan terakhir ini, gue jenuh. Capek. Mereka nggak berinisiatif buat nanya ada apa dengan gue, tapi gue juga gak ada inisiatif untuk cerita. Karena gue sendiri gak yakin apa penyebab kejenuhan ini. Dan akhirnya gue merasa seperti membuat jarak (sedikit pada awalnya, kemudian menjadi lebar) sampai akhirnya gue merasa tertinggal. And sadly, I can't do something about it.

Kadang gue kangen balik di masa ketika mereka hanya sejauh tombol 'Send' di chatting, atau sejauh hari ini hingga esok hari, namun saat ini kami rasanya sejauh... dekat tapi jauh, ya begitu.

Saya rindu dengan mereka yang pernah membuat saya tertawa dan bangga. Sejujurnya.

Terlambat, ya?

Seorang teman bertanya padaku
Kala angin malam menyelinap lewat pintu kamar yang setengah terbuka
Dan bunyi baling-baling kipas angin menjadi musik monoton di telinga
"Kenapa?"

Aku membaca dan kemudian tertawa
Datar. Hambar.
Cepat jari ini berbicara melalui susunan huruf yang berderet di keyboard virtual
"Bukankah--sudah terlambat untuk bertanya 'kenapa'?"

Angin malam kembali berhembus
Bunyi baling-baling kipas angin masih terdengar sama
Pertanyaan dalam relung pun tak berubah

"Kenapa?"

Jawaban diplomatis terucap otomatis

"Bukankah--sudah terlambat untuk bertanya 'kenapa'?"

Jakarta
13.12.29

Lagi dan Lagi

Lagi-lagi kamu
Yang pernah muncul
senja itu

Lagi-lagi kamu
Pengirim pesan yang tiba-tiba muncul
di kotak masuk

Lagi-lagi aku
merasakan sesuatu yang entah kapan
akan berakhir
Dan bertanya apakah ini akan berujung

But honestly,

don't you have a little responsibility

for making me so confused?

(Voice Mail - IU) 

...is there anybody out there?

...or I am swimming through this empty sea--alone?

You can say goodbye,
To all the things that you have ever known.
You can say goodbye,
And leave inside the life that you have grown.
What's the point,
You try to start from scratch,
but get let down,

You can say goodbye,
Just to realize there's no-one left around.
So what am I fighting for.

Tell me
Is there anybody out there,
Am I swimming through this empty sea alone,
Am I looking for an answer
Or am I trying to find a way to get back home.
Is there anybody out there,
Would you hear me if I screamed or if I cried,
I'm looking for an answer
And just trying to find a way to survive.

You can live or die,
Without the chance to find out what your worth,
You can live or die,
And never find the one that she'd deserve,
You can walk alone,
And live inside the shadows in your heart,

You can say goodbye
Or live and find out you've been alone right from the start
So what am I fighting for.

Tell me
Is there anybody out there,
am I swimming through this empty sea alone,
Am I looking for an answer,
Or am I trying to find a way to get back home.
Is there anybody out there,
Would you hear me if I screamed or if I cried,
I am looking for an answer
And just trying to find a way to survive.

Never thought I would end up all alone,
Every day I am feeling further away from home,
I can't catch my breath,
but I am holding on.

Is there anybody out there,
is this the last time I have to say goodbye,
Am I staring at my future,
Is it time to take charge of my life,

Is there anybody out there
Am I swimming through this empty sea alone,
Am I looking for an answer,
or am I trying to find a way to get back home,
Is there anybody out there,
Would you hear me if I screamed or if I cried,
I am looking for an answer,
And just trying to find a way to survive,
a way to survive,
and I am holding on.

(Is There Anybody Out There by Secondhand Serenade)

This is what I'm thinking currently. Probably this is just another random side of me. Probably.